What a healthy relationship should look like.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." 1 John 4.18

For the longest time, I have asked myself, what should a healthy relationship look like? Being one of the generation Z, the breakers of generational curses and cycles, it has been a firm resolve to have a healthy relationship with the person I will spend the rest of my life with.

In the millennial times, women were taught to "submit" to their husbands, which was widely misinterpreted to giving up their all and every for a man, tolerating every and anything, only for him to give the bare minimum which the woman has to be okay with because she is supposed to respect the man as the head. This made so many women remain in abusive marriages, unhappy but not able to leave, coupled with the stigmatization of women from broken marriages. That notion of "submission as a woman" has been questioned so many times on the internet by feminists and a few well-meaning males.

1 Corinthians 7.4 (MSG) says "Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out". This speaks of mutual submission, respect, and service, rather than one-sided "wives should submit" propaganda that has been pushed for so long by the patriarchal society we live in.

From biblical research, I understand that service and submission in marriage go both ways, and that produces a healthy relationship between the spouses. Respect, love, trust, service, submission, sacrifice, and effective communication are prerequisite values for a healthy relationship and are mutual.

Respect

There is a common fallacy in relationships and marriages, that women demand love while men demand respect. I beg to differ. You cannot disrespect one you claim to love. This is one reason why some men go about with the mentality that can cheat on their wives but still love them. How do you boldly disrespect and hurt the same person you claim to love. Women deserve respect in relationships and marriages very much as men do.

Respect in relationships involves respecting your partner's boundaries, individuality, opinions, privacy. You cannot make decision in a relationship or marriage without your partner's opinion. You should not force your partner to be an extension of you by trying to change them to who you want them to be. You should have regard for their choices, opinions, beliefs, likes, or dislikes.

Understand that your partner was a whole individual before you. Mark 10.8 says, "and in marriage he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity." This verse expressly explains the fact that a relationship or marraige should be the joining two separate, complete individuals, not the joining of halves looking for someone to complete them to make them one and whole. Respect your partner's individuality, and understand that they had a life before you came into the picture.

Love

Society has raised men to believe that all they need from a woman to feel like a man is respect, to massage his ego. This has given a flase perception of love, making it seem as though receiving love is a feminine thing and a man receiving and reciprocating love to his woman is a simp.

In the previous blog post on love series, I elaborated on the many characteristics of love, as stated in 1 Corinthians 13.4-12, explaining what to give and expect in a love-relationship. Both genders are deserving of love. Recieving love has nothing to do with the soft nature of a particular gender.

Love and respect are not mutually exclusive. Both can and are supposed to exicst together in relationships, because one cannot thrive fully and healthily without another.

Service

Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out, (1 Corinthians 7.4).

Relationship and marriage is a call to selflessness and service, putting the needs of your partner over yours. The call to service is not gender-specific. Both male and female should put the needs of their partners above theirs, redenring service as desired and when due.

It is not a playground for male dominance and the power-control game. It is not a place to prove superiorotiy, but rather a call to humility and leadership through service. Get down from your high horse and serve your partner as Christ commanded, as He exemplified by washing the feet of His discicples and dying for the church.

Submission

Being in a patriachal society has made the word "submission" a cover-up for toxic masculinity and male dominance, the "alpha-male image". The biblical concept of submission however is not a game of power, control, or male dominance, but of support and service to each other.

That being said, as a guy, before you begin demanding submission from your woman, ask yourself these two questions: "Have I submitted my life to Christ, making Him not just my Saviour but my Lord and Master?", "With my current lifestyle and attitude, can I submit to myself or someone with similar attitude and lifestyle?" Ladies, before you go into a relationship or marriage to submit yourself to that guy, ask yourself and ask him the two questions above. If his answers are vague and empty, do not go ahead to sabotage your life by getting into anything with that guy.

In Ephesians 5.21, Apostle Paul admonished both partners to submit themselves to one another to show their reverence to God. The call to submission is not only a call to women to submit to their husbands, but a call to husbands to submit to their wives, and for both to submit themselves, individually, together, and their marriage to God.

I will not fail to add that women are called to submit only to their husbands, not every and anhy man they meet. A woman not letting a man disrespect her does not make her a bad woman or wife. No woman owes you respect for just being a man, especially if you consistently disrespect her.

Effective Communication

A healthy relationship survives on the ground of healthy and effective communication, stating your concerns and needs without disrespecting or talking down on your partner's personality. Effective communication is the ability to pass your message to your listener or audience in a mnner that is well understood by them.

Effective comunication is intentional. It is a skill to be learnt and mastered, not just for relationship reasons, but because we will get to build relationships and connections with different people for different reasons at different phases of life.

Effective communication is focusing on the cause of the problem instead of attacking your partner's identity. It does not revolve around only the choice of words, but the tone, body language, and timing. Effective communication is harnessing all of this to pass your message across positively and on healthy terms.

A healthy relationship also involves:

1. Mutual sacrifice and compromise.

2. Healing from past trauma and emotional baggage to avoid passing on the hurt to your partner.

3. Mutual accountability and taking responsibilities.

4. Understanding.

5. Ability to view opinions, decisions, and choices from different perspectives without arguments and fights.

6. Agreeing to disagree.

7. Not throwing harsh or vulgar words on each other in anger.

It is not how much or how less you both have fights and arguements. What matters is whether you let those disagreement steal the joy, peace, unity and love of your relationship and you both walk through the storms together, not agaisnt each other.