DADDY ISSUES

This is just me calling out the causes and some effects daddy issues that I got to realize just last night. I've been hearing this phrase a lot, but I never really knew much about it until last night. I still don't know much and I'm very willing and open to learning more. Before I begin, let me put out a disclaimer: I am not taking the sacrifices and efforts of the men in my life for granted. I love my dad very much, and I will always appreciate every single thing he has done for me, is doing for me, and will do for me.

There is this average African mentality that 'men should provide for the home and women should take care of the home & children'. For the record, the effects of this has done much more harm than good, especially in the lives of children. No matter how much of a housewife your wife can be (taking care of the kids and the house and juggling all of that with work), your wife cannot do what you as the man should do in the lives of your children. And because that space is left empty, your children will always turn out to have 'daddy issues'. So when we are asking men to take up responsibilities in the home (taking care of your house, wife and children), we are not asking you guys to 'reduce your masculinity' i.e it doesn't make you less of a man. We are actually asking you to take up your responsibilities in the home and in the lives of your children as the man you are. Speaking of providing for the home, for most men, they interepte this provision as providing for the family's financial and material needs. In the actual sense, providing for the home is not restricted to only making money and buying biscuits for your babies when you're returning from work. Providing for your children means meeting their emotional needs, providing a trusted security for your daughters, providing a role model and an ideal example of a healthy man, husband and father.

The average African man would spending more than half his time working to earn money for the family upkeep. Coming home from work would literally mean eating his dinner, taking his bath and going to bed to rest or staying up late to prepare for the next day's job. There is little or no time invested in the lives of your children to understand who they really are, their individuality outside being your children, and seeing the world through their eyes. There is little or no time for bonding moments, when you get to engage in certain random activities with your children and spike up conversations that make them comfortable enough to open their entire being to you. Not that your family doesn't appreciate your efforts to make sure they lack nothing as your children, but you have to understand that if you as a father are not very present in the lives of your children, only God can heal your children from the severe dysfunction they'll suffer.

Being physically present is not enough. Buying gifts for your children after work is not enough. Are you emotionally present? Psychologically present? Do you give your children the coverage and warmth they need while growing up? Or do you substitute your vital presence for money and material gifts? Do you show VULNERABILITY enough to your wife and kids? I'm not talking about you being a cry-baby all over the house. I'm talking about you being open enough with your imperfections. Imperfect isn't always beautiful, but acknowledging that you're imperfect is the greatest sign of strength.

Yesterday night, I was up working and had to do a research about daddy issues (I needed it for work), and what I found out gave me intense shivers. One of the greatest reasons why the average black society is as Toxic as it is is because of the problem of Absent Fathers. I'm not referring to those who lost their dads (sending ❤️&🕯️). I'm talking about fathers who were physically and financially present but absent in every other need of their children. Today, ladies are drowning in seeping jealousy and the need to feel seen and heard because they never got that coverage while growing up. There are guys who are out of touch with their emotions and feelings because they were raised to 'be a man' and now, they can never understand what it means to be vulnerable or why its important to have a soft spot.

They don't know how to respect women because all they ever know about respecting a woman is never to lay your hands on a woman (quite sad that also, some men turn out to be wife-beaters because they watched their fathers beat their mothers, and some ladies say 'a man who doesn't beat me doesn't love me' because that was the love language she picked from her parents' relationship). All because of absent Fathers. Again, please understand that your wives and children don't ever take your hustle and intense sacrifices for granted. But, no one will ever provide for the non-financial needs of your children, (both male and female) if you don't. No one can ever play the role of a father in their lives if you don't.

The reason why most ladies love men for their money is because that's all the value they were indirectly taught men can offer because that's all they received from their dads. Now, them growing up and seeing men also with daddy issues objectify women's bodies, these ladies now begin to feel like all the value they ever have to offer to a guy is their bodies. So most of the time, they need that validation from men that their bodies are good enough (great boobs and nice ass🥴). If you as a dad don't raise your children, giving them the proper mentoring they need, you will raise proud, arrogant daughters who are extremely materialistic with no intellectual substance and sons who are womanizers, objectifying women and justifying the insanity with culture, sons out of touch with their emotions hence hardened hearts with no respect for women nor the ability to be vulnerable enough to seek help when they need it. Not matter how much money you earn for the family, that money can never repair this damage. That is why we have rape problems in the society and nudity on the internet.

Men are not scum (at least the men in my life ain't scum). It's just a problem of misplaced priorities. So if you're a guy, thinking about enforcing gender roles in your marriage and how your wife SHOULD take care of the kids and the home while you go out everyday working your ass of for money, you might wanna rethink that. It's actually sad we've normalized this toxicity and now make jokes and bants out of it. For the records, we are in the 21st century, a century where women are taking up jobs, doing the most in every sphere of life and raising the bar for other young women out there. We have more women who also contribute to the financial needs of the home. For me, its a relationship and marriage with no gender roles. We build the home, raise the kids and handle responsibilities together.

Dear men and soon-to-be fathers, this might be a pinch to your ego, but you have to realise that the least thing you can ever offer to your children is money to cater for their needs. To be very honest, that's the bare minimum and yeah, we absolutely appreciate your efforts. But there's more to fatherhood than being a bag of money for the family.

To my beautiful Gen Z people, Cheers to building a healthy African society and cancelling the toxic culture cycle🥂. We will raise healthy children because healthy children birth a healthy society. Udo❤️